There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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