How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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