My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
