The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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