Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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