I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
he laminated a picture of his dick.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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