Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
