I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
