On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
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