she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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