Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
