Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
