WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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