sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
