Dude my mom stole all your condoms
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
