last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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