At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
