I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
