dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
