U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
