Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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