overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
