i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
