Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
