i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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