My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
