i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
