I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
