So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I am midnight drunk by noon
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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