fuck your aforementioned shoe
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
