I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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