he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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