the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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