i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
