The maid of honor just puked.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
