I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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