ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
