you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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