My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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