Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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