My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
