Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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