i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
