believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
