i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
