She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
