remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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