I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
