Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
