I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
