Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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