if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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