It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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