a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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