Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
