Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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