after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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