i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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