i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
